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How do we choose the people we fall in love with?  In the modern world, under the ideology of Romanticism you're meant above all to Trust Your Feelings! The only problem is that this call for us to trust our instincts has very often proved to be a disaster of its own.

We may believe we are seeking happiness in love but what we are really after is familiarity We're looking to recreate within our adult relationships the very feelings we knew so well in childhood And which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care.

A useful starting place is to ask ourselves perhaps in the company of a large sheet of paper, a pen and a free afternoon what sort of people in the abstract put us off and what kinds excite us.
To try to trace back qualities to the people who first loves us in childhood and to ask ourselves how much our impulses really re aligned with things that might make us happy.


We may start to get a clearer picture that our vision of what we're looking for in another person might not be in a specially good guide of our personal happiness.

Examining our emotional histories we learn that we can't just be attracted to anyone we're limited in the types we have because of certain things that happened to us in our past.

Even if we can't always radically shift these pattern, it's useful to know that we're carrying a ball and chain It can make us more careful of ourselves when we feel overwhelmed by a certainty that we've met the one after just a few minutes chatting at the bar. Or when we're certain someone is just brawn or boring even though objectively, they do have a lot going for them.

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